2023 CincyItIsUs Fantasy Football League

Well, that's a wrap boys. The playoffs are here, and that means six of us just tossed $100 into a paper shredder. If you've got a bottle of something strong, now's the time (although Ohio just legalized recreational weed, so I guess blow down if that's your thing).

Team Kaz and the Spiders Under My Bed are your top two seeds, and they get the week off as Team Larison, Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team, The Purdy Train and Team Battista battle it out.

The rest of us are left in the cold. Say a prayer for poor No Chubb at Olave Garden. Despite losing his best player in Week Two, he hung in there and nearly crashed the playoff-party. I guess one 7 - 7 team was going to be left out, and it was you.

Anyway, let's get into the results from Week 14...

Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (116.5) defeats Uncle Waldo (106.0)

Hey, Cooper Kupp is still alive! How about that? Nice of you to show up Coop! Of course, it would have been nicer if was any time before Week 14, but oh well.

One more thing: I nominate Uncle Waldo as waiver-wire wizard of the year. Between snagging C.J. Stroud, De'Von Achane and Brandon Aubrey, nobody else even comes close. How in the hell did you miss the playoffs??

Team Hood (111.0) defeats Team Kaz (100.5)

After looking like the 2023 49ers to start the season, Team Kaz is looking dangerously like the 2020 Steelers to end it. Remember them? They started the year 11 - 0 only to finish 12 - 4 before being bounced by Baker Mayfield and the Browns in the Wild Card round. At least Team Kaz managed to hold on to the #1 seed and that all-important first-round bye. But make no mistake: cracks are showing in Team Kaz's armor.

The Purdy Train (105.5) defeats Team Larison (71.0)

The Purdy Train got a big win and punched their ticket to the big dance. I have to give props to Team Larison for having the cahones to go with Jake Browning, and I only wish it could have paid off for you. Joe Burrow who?

Team Battista (88.0) defeats Kim jong un (64.0)

This is the end for old Kimmy. All the might of North Korea wasn't enough to change the outcome. It's a sad day, not just because we won't get to see Kim in the playoffs, but because Kim has almost certainly thrown about 67 people so far into a bottomless pit for their failure.

No Chubb at Olave Garden (137.5) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (83.5)

That's gotta sting. No Chubb defies all the odds, stays in the hunt, peaks at the right time, and still misses out on the dance. Fantasy Football is a cruel mistress. And we can't stop seeing her because we're sick and love pain, but still: very cruel.

Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team (177.5) defeats Coach (107.0)

Did anyone else hear that Al Michaels won't be calling games for NBC during the playoffs this year? Did you also hear that he's out because he apparently is pissed at the league for giving the Swift-Kelce ship so much air time. Al Michaels is my hero.

And those are the results from Week 14! Check back again next week for the results of the first-round of the playoffs. Good luck everyone!

Sorry for missing a couple write-ups fellas, it's been a hectic couple of weeks.

I know, I know – Rule 76: no excuses, play like a champion.

Of course, tonight on Thursday Night Football we have two teams distinctly not playing like champions (who's ready for some Mitchell Trubisky vs. Bailey Zappe action?!?!). It's a running joke at this point, but I'm honestly concerned that Al Michaels might actually committ suicide on national TV tonight.

Anyway, enough preamble, let's dig into the results from Week 13...

Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (102.5) defeats Team Hood (62.0)

It looked pretty bleak there for ol' Sherbert, but we won't go away quietly. Sure, we may only have a 13% chance at reaching the playoffs, but in the famous words of Lloyd Christmas...

Team Larison (120.0) defeats Uncle Waldo (119.0)

Down goes Sunshine and down goes Waldo! That's gotta sting. Round Two of the Battle of the Brothers goes to Team Larison. Who's ready for Round Three in a week or two???

Team Kaz (92.5) defeats Kim jong un (76.0)

Kimmy went on a run, but Team Kaz went ahead and put the final nail in the coffin. We'll miss him, but frankly, I think we're all a little happier knowing the Kimster can't hurt us anymore.

The Purdy Train (142.5) defeats No Chubb at Olave Garden (106.0)

Score another kill for The Purdy Train. Have you guys ever seen the episode of Top Gear when they demonstrate what happens to a van when it's hit by a train moving 70 mph? Yeah, that's basically what just happened here.

Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team (106.0) defeats Team Battista (95.5)

I'm sorry, I need to vent here: I am so goddamn tired of the fucking Kansas City Chiefs. Travis Kelce, Taylor Swift, Patrick Mahomes, Andy Ried, Jake from State Farm, bath bombs...So help me, I'm not a violent person, but I might do something regretable if the Chiefs win the Super Bowl again. I know their offense is struggling, and they might not get the one-seed, but I'm not fooled. If Kansas City gets the two-seed, the Ravens or the Dolphins are going to get the one-seed and whichever does will be upset in the divisional round. Mark my words: the AFC Championship Game will be played in Arrowhead Stadium, and I'm afraid the 49ers may be the only team that can prevent us from the living hell that will be the Chiefs (along with all the Swifties) celebrating another bullshit Super Bowl. I swear, I would sell my soul to the Cleveland Browns if it meant the Chiefs would never win another championship in my lifetime.

Okay, I'm finished – good job on beating Rob, Sully!

Spiders Under My Bed (140.0) defeats Coach (103.0)

Coach must know how Sean Payton felt after his Broncos gave up a billion points to the Dolphins. Sadly, I'm not sure there's enough time to whip those boys into shape now. Meanwhile, the Spiders keep creeeeeeeping up the standings. Someone get out the newspaper...

And those are the results for Week 13! Good luck this week everyone, and congrats to the three teams that have already clinched spots in the playoffs (Team Kaz, Spiders Under My Bed, & Team Larison)!

Finally. A decent Thursday Night Football game. Bengals v. Ravens. Let's f-ing go.

And for once, I'm glad that there's a few Browns fans in this group because we should all be rooting hard against the Ravens tonight. This interview with Ray Lewis is absolutely killing me (I don't know if I've ever loved Big Whit more than right now). The Ravens need to lose badly. Please Joe Burrow, make it happen.

But in terms of fantasy, it's another week of complete chaos. It's kinda like Mario Kart – you don't want to be in first, otherwise that stupid blue shell is coming for your ass.

The game's going to start soon, so let's get to the results...

No Chubb at Olave Garden (95.5) defeats Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (94.5)

Why did I fall for Kyler? Why would I do this to myself?

Kim jong un (89.0) defeats Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team (83.5)

Kim is not going down without a fight, not when he's got Joey B delivering intercontinental ballistic missiles all over the NFL.

Team Larison (111.5) defeats Coach (81.5)

Brutal. Coach's boys fall to 10th in the league standings, yet are somehow just 3.5 games back of Team Kaz. This season has been bizarre.

Spiders Under My Bed (121.0) defeats Team Hood (81.5)

Noah Brown?!? How in the world did you pull THAT off?

Team Battista (135.5) defeats Uncle Waldo (116.5)

Waldo gets grounded.

The Purdy Train (128.0) defeats Team Kaz (94.0)

Incredible. After starting off 7 - 0, Team Kaz is now 7 - 2 - 1. It's been three weeks since his last win.

As impossible as this sounds, still no one has been eliminated from the playoffs. Even Team Kaz could miss out in some ridiculous scenario. And you all know what that means: Kim is still alive...

Good luck this week everyone, and someone please take out Kim before he kills us all.

Here we go boys. Tua Time is on pause. We're going with the CODfather – the Kyler Murray Study Guide's are back (for at least one week). Pay no attention to Olave Garden celebrating in the back, he's still mad that he lost his Chubb back in September or something. So petty...

Once again, I can't get over these standings. We have seven teams in a twelve team league with four wins. Nobody has been eliminated from the playoffs (good lord). Even Team Kaz is looking beatable these days.

I don't know what to say. Is Uncle Waldo a genius for playing C.J. Stroud the week he threw for a billion yards and 20 touchdowns? Am I an idiot for trading for a rising tight end for the Chiefs defense? CAN ARTHUR SMITH PLEASE GIVE THE BALL TO BIJAN ROBINSON???

Whatever. Fantasy football is so dumb.

But I still love it. Let's get into the results from Week Nine...

Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (89.5) defeats Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team (83.0)

Pulled that one out by the skin of my teeth. Normally I would never pull out, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

No Chubb for Olave Garden (90.0) defeats Coach (77.5)

Oh look, it's Justin Herbert struggling against a good defense, who could have predicted that...

Kim jong un (95.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (79.5)

Please understand that I'm saying this with the least amount of bias that I can muster: I think we all need to be terrified of Kim because if Joe Burrow is getting hot (and he is), the combo of Burrow and A.J. Brown is going to be pure violence.

Team Hood (126.0) defeats The Purdy Train (96.5)

See? Team Hood gets a dub and who's leading the way? The Cleveland's D/ST. Defense wins championships, y'all. Just watch.

Uncle Waldo (126.0) defeats Team Kaz (92.0)

Aparently Waldo is actually a mentat. Didn't see that coming.

And those are the results from Week Nine! Good luck this week everyone, and enjoy another banger of a Thursday Night Football game! Bears v Panthers hell yeah

I need to get something off my chest. You might have heard others complain about this, but I need to say my piece...

Thursday Night Football sucks.

I'm not sorry. Time after time, week after week they feed us dogshit and expect us to say, "Thank you NFL, you're so generous!" But come on, the games we've been forced to sit through?

• Tonight, a bad Tennessee Titans team starting a rookie QB faces a struggling Pittsburgh Steelers offense and Matt Canada who - wait for it - will now call games from the sidelines instead of the booth. Yeah, that's going to solve everything. How did they not consider this earlier??

• Last week, a Buffalo Bills team that keeps shooting itself in the foot versus Baker "Three teams three years isn't weird" Mayfield and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which ended with a half-hearted Bucs comeback that made the final result obscure what was a fairly dull and uninteresting game.

• Back on October 12, Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs scortched the hapless Denver Broncos 19 to f-ing 8 in a real barnburner of a football game. Mr. Unlimited Russell Wilson threw for a very limited 95 yards total. This was also the third Chiefs game that Taylor Swift attended, so thank you TNF for making us put up with that nonsense in another primetime spot.

And that's just the last three weeks. I could go on and on.

Honestly, the real problem is the 8:15 EST start. If it was even an hour earlier, this wouldn't be a problem. Half an hour even. But when you have a game that's usually pretty uninteresting on a weeknight when most people have to get up early, it's really hard to justify watching til the end. So I don't. Usually (Bengals are the obvious exception, although thankfully they've only been on TNF 12 times, 26th fewest in the league).

So there's my rant on TNF. I'll still tune in for the game tonight. And I'll probably turn it off and go to bed before 10 minutes left in the 4Q.

Let's get to the fantasy results from Week Eight!

Coach (155.5) defeats Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (118.5)

I am absolutely taking on the chin every single week. Kim, you know what I'm talking about. Coach, did you really have to do me like that?

Spiders Under My Bed (125.5) defeats Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team (83.5)

I have to say it: Travis Kelce, please stop dating Taylor Swift. It is the most insufferable relationship since Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, only this one is way less funny. At the very least, tell her to stop showing up to games so we can all get on with our lives.

Team Battista (137.0) defeats No Chubb for Olave Garden (93.5)

I think I can speak for No Chubb on this one: where are all these ridiculous scores coming from? 137.0 from Team Battista? Scoring 93.5 used to win you games around here. What the hell happened?

The Purdy Train (130.5) defeats Kim jong un (98.5)

No one has suffered like Kim this season, and I mean no one. He's had 924 points scored against him already this season - by far the highest total in the league. His misery can only be matched by the misery he inflicts on the poor people of North Korea.

Team Kaz (84.0) defeats Team Larison (84.0)

Wow, two ties. Didn't see that coming. Also didn't expect that Team Kaz would start 7 - 0 - 1. Really did not see that coming.

Uncle Waldo (153.0) defeats Team Hood (72.5)

The old double 'em up. Ouchie wowchie. Also I take back what I said about Waldo sqeaking by. I forgot that geese can be real dicks.

And that's a wrap! Good luck this week y'all!

Alright, Week Eight is here y'all. And you know something? This season has been dumb as hell.

I mean, look at the standings right now:

• Team Kaz is in first-place at 7 - 0, his team looks absolutely ridiculous with a truly astonishing 810.5 points scored, and he could actually make a run for an undefeated season the way things are going (of course, now that I've written this, Lamar Jackson is about to disclocate both of his kneecaps on the same play).

• Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team is in second-place and has had 46.5 fewer points scored on him than the next closest team (which is Team Kaz, naturally).

• Uncle Waldo is in third-place and has the third-lowest point-scored total of any team (and has the third-fewest points scored against him, ofc)

• And sitting tied for fourth-place, we have Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert and the Spiders Under My Bed, who both suffered the Mother of All Sack Taps with their 73 - 73 tie last week.

• Seven out of the twelve teams in the league have three wins right now.

It's a shitshow. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel sorry for Kim jong un. Even though he's a merciless dictator, no one deserves this kind of fantasy football season. With 793.5 points scored against him so far (by far the most in the league), he's basically going up against Team Kaz every week. That's rough.

Anyways, with all of that said, let's get into this week's dumb results...

Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (73.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (73.0)

Fantasy football is dumb, why do we even do this?

Team Battista (81.5) defeats Coach (72.5)

In a matchup of teams on two-game losing streaks, Team Battista got the better Ol' Coach. Like Bill Belichick, Coach is starting to look a little past him prime. Zach Ertz to the IR is pouring salt on the wound too.

Taylor Swift's Boyfriends Team (129.5) defeats The Purdy Train (96.0)

Hold up, folks: looks like The Purdy Train is going off the rails. Although when your opponent gets 30.5 f-ing points from broke ass D'Onta Foreman off a goddamn shot-in-the-dark waiver-wire pickup, what the hell are you supposed to do, really?

Team Kaz (134.5) defeats No Chubb at Olave Garden (101.5)

Gets nothing from Bijan Robinson, still scores 134.5 points, third-highest total of the year. Sorry Chubbie, but in fairness, you only would have beaten seven other teams if you had played them this week, so I don't feel bad.

Uncle Waldo (108.5) defeats Kim jong un (105.0)

Waldo just keeps squeaking by, being all unassuming, pretending like we haven't noticed that he's won his last two games by 6.5 points combined. Well done, Bird.

Team Larison (84.5) defeats Team Hood (82.5)

What's worse than losing by two points? Losing by two points and literally any of your position players would have won if you'd just put them at Flex over Roschon Johnson. But if having Jaleel McLaughlin as your RB2 doesn't just completely sum up how Team Hood's season is going, I don't know what will...

And those are the results for Week Seven! Good luck everyone, and will somebody please score on Taylor Swift's Boyfriend's Team?

I do have a superpower. Don't believe me? Earlier this year, I praised Cincinnati Reds starting pitcher Graham Ashcraft after he began the season hotter than a two-dollar pistol. His next start? Absolutely fucking rocked.

And last week, I unwittingly unleashed my power on poor Brock Purdy (and by extension, The Purdy Train). I swear, I didn't mean to – it was an honest mistake!

Going forward, I'll be careful not to get too over the top with my praise of your players. I wouldn't want to put my jinx on anybody...right Spiders?

Anyway, let's get into the results from Week Six!

Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (97.5) defeats Team Battista (81.0)

This is the end of the S-Herberts as we know them. Pretty boy Justin was shipped off to be whipped into shape by Coach. Now, it's all about my boy, the Polynesian Passer with Pacific Precision – Tua.

Spiders Under My Bed (96.0) defeats The Purdy Train (89.0)

Here lies the body of Brock Purdy, ripped to pieces by Myles Garrett. Here lies our September MVP. Gone too soon.

Team Kaz (119.0) defeats Coach (59.5)

The 49ers lost. So did the Eagles. But not Team Kaz. Apparently, fantasty football experience does not correspond to fantasy football success. Go figure.

Taylor Swift's Boyfiend's Team (79.0) defeats Uncle Waldo (78.5)

I feel your pain Waldo. Losing to Taylor Swift's arm candy has to sting, especially by a half-freaking-point. Brutal, but it happens! And it's not like there's anything we could have done that would have affected this result anyway...

No Chubb at Olave Garden (91.0) defeats Team Hood (73.0)

Even without his Chubb, Olave Garden just refuses to quit. We left him for dead after his 1 - 3 start, but just like the Bengals, we should never have counted them out. Team Hood, meanwhile, continues to fall apart like the Rams after winning Super Bowl LVI.

Team Larison (105.0) defeats Kim jong un (73.0)

Joe Burrow continues to disappoint the Supreme Leader, and I'm not sure Joe really understands the danger he's in. If Davante Adams doesn't start getting more targets, Jimmy G could be next on Kim's hit list. If their losing streak extends to four, expect heads to roll.

And those are the results for Week Six! Good luck next week everyone!

That's it. Everybody pack your bags. Season's over. Looks like we'll be handing a fat stack of cash to The Purdy Train this year because he got the greatest quaterback of all time of the waiver wire.

You've read the news. You've seen the highlights. You've heard the rave reviews. Brock Purdy, Mr. Formerly Irrelevant, has already usurped Tom Brady as the greatest player in NFL history – give him a hand folks!

But before we heap too much (well-deserved) praise on The Purdy Train for finding the equivalent of a fully-loaded F-15 fighter jet with the keys inside right in his backyard, we also have to acknowledge something: The Purdy Train, despite tossing Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert into the wall and then giving him a swirlie while repeatedly kicking him in the back of the knee, DIDN'T EVEN START OUR LORD AND SAVIOR PURDY.

How dare you leave the Brockstar on your bench in the middle of Brocktober? And for Jordan Love? For shame...

I'm guessing we won't make that mistake again, will we The Purdy Train.

Peace, love & Brock n' Roll

Let's get into the results from Week Five...

The Purdy Train (150.0) defeats Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (118.5)

You left 26.0 of the Purdy-est points you'll ever see on your bench. How dare you.

Team Kaz (92.0) defeats Team Battista (91.5)

Ouuuuuuuchhhhh. That's uh...not a fun way to lose. Have to respect going with the Zach Wilson desperation start there, but the fact that he cost you a win by coming up one measly passing yard short of 200 is brutal.

Uncle Waldo (95.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (92.0)

Waldo ain't going out without a fight! After being left for dead following a rough 1 - 2 start, the old bird has found new life. That said, a goose is a pretty bad matchup for a spider, but the little guys put up a heck of a fight.

Team Hood (85.0) defeats Coach (56.5)

Coach didn't get those boys ready to play. But what the hell does that even mean? Didn't get them ready to play? That's your job, pal! Following some excellent seasons and even a championship, it looks like Coach may have lost a step. Hot Take: Coach is the fantasty football equivalent of 2023 Bill Belichick.

Taylor Swift’s Boyfriend’s Team (126.5) defeats Team Larison (91.0)

Sully has aparently departed the our fantasy football league and it seems he's given his team up to Travis Kelce. Everyone, let's welcome Travvy to our league! And let's not harrass him with questions about you-know-who – like if the curtains match the drapes, if he's touched her butt and all that. That's inappropriate. And you guys are sickos so I know you'd ask him that. Anyway Trav, nice win, and good luck the rest of the way (but actually go fuck yourself and Who Dey).

No Chubb at Olave Garden (104.0) defeats Kim jong un (98.0)

Even without his Chubb, Olave Garden isn't giving up without a fight! As for our fearless dictator of the great land of North Korea, his team seems to be surrendering. Putting your faith in Irv Smith Jr, as the Bengals are learning this year, is a bad idea.

And those are the results from Week Five! Good luck next week everyone, except there's no point in trying becuase Brock Purdy has arrived and the 49ers are going to obliterate everyone and there's no hope. But still have fun!

Somebody, help me make sense of this season.

The Detroit Lions are good, okay I get that...

But the Bengals are dogshit? What the...

And it's beyond clear as day that Joe Burrow is hurt...and yet somehow Deshaun Watson has missed a game already and Burrow hasn't?

And the Texans are dangerous? Is Brock Purdy the best QB in the NFC? Is Puka Nakua the best WR on the planet? Is Bill Belichick going to get fired this season???

I have so many questions (and none bigger than question of what will happen to my psyche if the Bengals defense gets called for another holding penalty on third down) but sadly, they all remain unanswered. I'd also love to know how I can get 44.5 points from Christain McCaffrey and still lose to Team Kaz. No answers still...

Let's get into the results from Week Four!

Team Kaz (132.0) deafeats Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (123.0)

Nico Collins? Are you fucking kidding me? Nico effing Collins was my downfall? Hold on, I need to slap myself with this notebook real quick...

Uncle Waldo (104.0) defeats Roy Donk (76.5)

Look who's flexing that De'Von Achane pickup? Does it feel good to steal him right out of the mouth of poor No Chubb? Huh? Does it? Ya big bully!

Team Battista (100.5) defeats Team Hood (72.5)

Look at Hustle & Bustle Russell Wilson coming through! Credit to you Team Battista for continuing to ride with Russ. He doesn't have many believers these days, and I know he'd love to split a Subway sandwich with you sometime to repay the favor.

Spiders Under My Bed (118.0) defeats Team Larison (67.0)

Somehow the Spiders left their two hightest-scoring players on the bench and still managed to whoop Team Larison by 50. Another question, how do the Cowboys beat the Patriots 38 - 3 and yet Tony Pollard only gets 47 rushing yards? Wasn't Mike McCarthy's whole thing about moving on from Kellen Moore that "Kellen wanted to run up the score and didn't like to run the ball and blah blah blah." I hate the Cowboys.

Coach (123.5) defeats Kim jong un (92.0)

Once again, the Supreme Leader is let down. But don't for a second think that it's the fault of the Supreme Leader! No, it's his lousy players. They stink, and they'll be dealt with accordingly...

Team Mills (120.5) defeats No Chubb at Olave Garden (95.0)

After losing his Chubb, aparently now Olave Garden is closed! And somehow Team Mills scored 120.5 while getting a nice goose egg from Deebo Samuel. I swear, sometimes fantasy is just dumb as hell...

And those are the results for Week Four!

Good luck next week everyone, and say a little prayer for the Bengals this Sunday when they play the Cardinals because (and I can't believe I'm saying this) they're going to need all they help they can get to beat Josh Dobbs (who actually might be better than Burrow right now, somebody kick me).

Week Three is in the books and the Detroit Lions got Week Four started with a banger of a game against the Green Bay Packers on Thursday Night. Are the Lions for real? Is Aiden Hutchinson making a case for Defensive Player of the Year? If you bite kneecaps, does it grant you superpowers?

And it's not just the Lions that are turning heads. Miami put up a 70-burger on Sean "I'm-a-way-better-coach-than-Nathaniel-Hackett" Payton and the Denver Broncos. How tasty does Tua look now, huh? Bet you all wish you had a little Tua Time in your life? No? Okay, I'll shut up.

Shoutout to Team Kaz, who sharked everybody into beliving that he's never played fantasy football before and we should all take it easy on him and blah blah blah... We're on to you now.

Anyway, let's get into Week Three's results...

Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (88.5) defeats Uncle Waldo (87.5)

S-Herbert squeaked one by ole Waldo. How does it feel to be burned by C.J. Stroud and the Houston freaking Texans? Is Stroud already the greatest OSU QB in the NFL of all time? I mean, who else is even in that conversation?

Team Kaz (131.5) defeats Team Hood (91.5)

So, uh, did anybody see 41.5 points coming from Raheem Mostert? Anybody have that on their Bingo card?

Roy Donk (135.5) deafeats Team Larison (102.0)

Looking Purdy good over there Donk. Who needs Aaron Rodgers? Of course, when Keenan Allen gives you 35.0, it makes gameday decision-making a little easier...

Kim jong un (146.0) defeats Team Battista (130.0)

Sadly, Team Battista has been decimated by the armies of North Korea. Tank Dell and Buffalo's D put up a couragous fight, but ultimately Davante Adams was too much. The savage dictator had been humiliated for two week, and he was out for blood. Let loose the dogs of war!

Spiders Under My Bed (118.5) defeats No Chubb at Olave Garden (110.5)

Look at those Spiders! Way to right the ship just as No Chubb at Olave Garden appears to be careening towards the bottom of the ocean.

Team Mills (131.0) defeats Coach (57.5)

Am I reading this right? 57.5 points? What are you coaching those boys, Coach? And before we get on praising Team Mills, do you feel good about yourself starting Deshaun Watson? Do you? Huh? I'm telling your mom.

And those were the results from Week Three!

Good luck everybody – especially to the Spiders, who left David Montgomery's 33 points on the bench to start the week. Ouch.

Week Three is already here guys, and what a start it's been.

Already the 2023 season has been defined by massive injuries to star players like Aaron Rodgers, Nick Chubb, and Aaron Jones. Like always, the waiver-wire is barren.

But still – we soldier on. We do not relent.

Godspeed gentlemen.

As always, let's get into the results from the previous week...

Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (122.5) defeats Team Hood (86.5)

Does anybody want Tua? Anybody? Come on, I know one of you wants to take Tua off my hands.

Herbert? Anybody want Herbert? Why did I bother taking two QBs...

Uncle Waldo (114.5) defeats Team Larison (113.5)

Way to win the Larison Bowl, Waldo! Team Larison got a pitiful 8.0 points from Sunshine on My Goddamn Shoulders Trevor Lawrence and is probably interested in trading for a QB like Tua. Intel is fuzzy.

Team Kaz (116.0) defeats Kim jong un (95.5)

A 2 - 0 start for the newbie! Once again, all of North Korea's might wasn't enough to defeat one fantasy football team. Kim, take it from a Bengals fan: Joe Burrow stinks, Tua is way better.

Roy Donk (95.0) defeats Half Chubb at Olave Garden (87.5)

Big dub from the Donkster! Aaron Rodgers who? We're living that Purdy life! But you know, sometimes you need to spice up your QB-life a little. Tua-meric is pretty good, or even an Herb-ert.

Team Mills (102.0) defeats Team Battista (81.0)

Geez Rob, is your entire team injured or suspended? At least Subway Superstar Russell Wilson finally had a decent game, but let's face it: you are feeling Tua. You want him all over your roster right now. And Team Mills can't feel good about Mr. Let's Just Blame the Coaching Staff Justin Fields. How 'bout we get a real, grownup in the building? A guy like, I don't know...Tua Tagovailoa, perhaps?

Coach (114.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (108.5)

Get out of the way Coach Prime, we have a new Coach of the Year favorite: his name is Coach...well, actually his name is just Coach, but still – this man is going places! He defeated the Spiders Under My Bed, after all. And he did it without Tua! Imagine what Coach could do if he could harness the Polynesian Power of Tua...

...And those are the weekly results! Don't forget to set your lineup before Thursday Night Football!

Good luck.

Hello Everybody!

Greetings from Saugatuck, Michigan! Today is a very special day: one of our esteemed members – none other than Uncle Waldo Eric Larison – is getting hitched, folks. This is not a drill.

The man otherwise known as "Larry" will be wed today – but don't be fooled. You are NOT OBLIGATED to make unfair trades with him. You DO NOT have to give him your best player as a wedding gift.

In all seriousness, I am so happy for you Eric. You are an unbelievably great guy and I couldn't be happier or feel more honored to celebrate this occasion with you. So raise your glass everyone (given I'm writing this at 10:30 am, maybe just raise your coffee mug), and let's toast to the coolest, chillest dude we know. Congratulations buddy.

Alright, now that we've got the formalities out of the way, let's dive into the results from Week One (apologies for not having this done before the Thursday Night game, but wedding stuff, ya know?):

Team Larison (123.5) defeats Kupp of Strawberry S-Herbert (100.5)

Team Larison apparently doesn't come from the Zac Taylor school of not being ready for the start of the NFL season. Powered by a monster game from Tyreek Hill (38.5), Team Larison came out of the gates swinging and set the new season-high scoring mark. Solid effort from a depleted S-Herbert squad, who lost Cooper Kupp to injured reserve before the season and "accidentally" started an inactive Rashaad Penny. Oops.

Team Hood (106.5) defeats Kim jong un (65.5)

Apparently, being an absolute dictator is harder than it looks! Despite basically enslaving the entire population of North Korea, Kim jong un was unable to break the 70-point barrier. Team Hood patriotically bombed Kim into oblivion. Job well done.

Half Chubb at Olave Garden (85.5) defeats Uncle Waldo (54.0)

Half Chubb did everything short of crashing Uncle Waldo's wedding and grinding on the officiant. Apparently Waldo's mind must have been on the upcoming festivities, because it was light-years from fantasy football (given his pitiful performance). Maybe now that Larry is getting married, perhaps his wife Megan can give him some pointers? Somebody's gotta help this guy...

Team Kaz (85.5) defeats Team Mills (68.5)

Team Mills, our most prominent and esteemed shit-talker failed to back it up. I mean waaaaaay failed to back it up. 68.5 f-ing points? That's it? Congratulations to Team Kaz for picking up their first fantasy win – but I wouldn't count on it being this easy every week. But actually, you play Kim jong un this week, so maybe not.

Coach (100.0) defeats Roy Donk (78.0)

How 'bout them Cowboys? Coach is fired up. Roy Donk tried to hang in there, but he was eventually hog-tied and left on the train tracks.

Team Battista (177.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (84.0)

Team Battista was clearly unafraid of those Spiders. Even though they're under his bed. He swatted those pesky Spiders! Of course, with 57.5 points left on his bench, the Spiders might just be lurking...biding their time...waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike... Or not.  Probably not.