Holy shit guys, it's almost December. I know it's cliché, but it's incredible how fast time flies. I remember being in first grade and the idea of being an eighth-grader was like imagining I'd be an astronaut. Now, I'm 32 and I'm more aware than ever of how irresistible the marching of time is. I mean, it's been over two months since the first game of the NFL season was played on September 5th. Hell, it's been almost four months since the first preseason game. What the actual fuck?
Life is coming so fast these days, and I know I'm hardly the only one feeling it. A lot of you guys are married, some of you have (multiple) kids. Insane.
With that said, I want to apologize for slacking on the weekly write-ups. It's been a wild few months, but hey, you all know that – you're all going through crazy shit all the time too.
There's no excuse. I have to (need to) do better. Life only gets in the way if you let it.
Still, here's a rundown of the insanity that's been my life over the last 11 months:
(I wouldn't blame you because I'd probably do it myself, but if you want to skip this part just scroll past all the numbered paragraphs)
Some asshole literally drove his car through the window of my ground-level apartment as I was sitting on my couch watching TV. It was like a bomb went off in my living room. The entire wall looked like it was expanding. My air conditioner flew to the opposite site of the apartment. Drywall and dust were everywhere.
I probably don't admit this to myself enough, but I got pretty lucky. I was completely unscathed, and so was my cat and most of my stuff. It was scary as hell though. It's the first and only time I actually considered grabbing my gun for self-defense (not that a long, hunting rifle is much good in a small apartment, whatever). Even as I'm writing this now, I can feel the adrenaline coursing through me. That moment will define the term "fight or flight" for me for the rest of my life.
I met a girl that I fell madly in love with. It was crazy. It was the kind of instant attraction that people think is even too corny for movies. We made out in the Mad Tree parking lot (that's a brewery in Cincinnati for you non-Natians) for two hours after our first date. Okay, now that I'm writing that it's a little embarrassing. Actually, fuck that – it was fucking amazing. It was like my perfect idea of a relationship: she turned me on like crazy, we were happy doing anything together, it seemed like we were always on the same page, her family was great, and the fact that she was 420-friendly wasn't too bad either.
She was the girl of my dreams. I wanted her to be my wife. And then she dumped me. Out of the blue. Said she'd been feeling this way for months. Never brought it up one time until the day we broke up. I was absolutely, fundamentally devastated. To a certain degree, I still am – it only happened a month ago. She told me she needed to work on herself (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean). She still wanted to be friends and "hang out and be normal" (again, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean).
Obviously, that didn't work for me (otherwise, I probably wouldn't be writing this, would I?). How are you supposed to just stop being madly in love with someone? If any of you are capable of doing this, you have my somewhat reluctant admiration (because I think you may be a psychopath) (just kidding).
I got a new job. Technically, right before the love of my life dumped me. So walking into work less than 48 hours after having your soul crushed was quite the experience. But here's the amazing thing – I actually love this job. I'm working as an Optometric Technician and it's probably the first time I've had a job that I felt was actually meaningful. It's not easy, and having absolutely no background in biology or anatomy doesn't help, but it's so worthwhile.
So, kudos to those of you who work in healthcare – I know Seth and Sully are two, and if I'm forgetting anyone, my apologies. Modern medicine is fucking amazing (also, sorry for the excessive cursing, I don't know what's getting into me).
I almost forgot to mention, I also moved into a friend's basement following the car-crashing-into-my-apartment incident. I promise, it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm paying rent to help him with the mortgage, and I pretty much have the whole basement to myself (I'll have to send you guys a pic of the new office set-up, I can't lie, it's pretty dope). I feel confident that I'm safe from errant cars (as I knock on wood).
But here's the part you guys really need to know: my landlord wouldn't release me from my lease. That rat-bastard played dirty. Honestly, I should have taken him to small claims court, but what was I gonna do? I don't have a ton of money to throw around for lawyer's fee – and how much did I stand to gain anyway? I couldn't risk taking this guy to court and then losing the case. Where would I be then? But in hindsight, that guy was a piece of shit and he needed to be taken to task for his negligence. Anyway, the new place is awesome. That's been a positive development.
I'm getting back into shape. I got a membership to the Y, I've been getting up at 5:20 am, and I've been lifting heavy shit and playing basketball. I've also started rock climbing, which is way tougher than it looks and scarier than you think (especially if you're not a big fan of heights, like me). I've found the best way to get to the top is to pretend like there's a monster chasing you. That way, there's no reason to quit and two reasons not to look down. It works for me. It may not work the same for you. Or maybe it will, I don't know.
I needed to do something. I need a shakeup in my life. I've been in a big rut. I've been letting things slide (like these weekly write-ups). But the crazy thing is, now that I'm tired and my time is more stretched than ever, I'm feeling really motivated to get back to writing these weekly. I've said it before, but this league means a lot to me. Actions, though, speak louder than words (though in this case, my action is going to be writing words, so maybe that wasn't the most appropriate phrase).
Alright, enough preamble. And enough talking about myself. Let's get into The League.
Once again, the NFL season has been bonkers, and that's meant unreliable and unpredictable results from the fantasy league as well. We currently have a four-way tie at the top of the standings. Last year, Team Kaz went wire-to-fucking-wire. Parity is back!
This has already been quite a long post, so I'll spare you a season-long recap. Instead, just like old times, let's dive into the results from Week 11!
Chili's Baby Back Gibbs (73.0) defeats Starvin Marvin (71.0)
Tough loss for Marvin. He really needed this one too. He was starving for a win. And of all teams, he was beat by Baby Back Gibbs. That's just mean-spirited.
Still, there's no shame is getting spanked by Gibbs. That's six saucy wins in a row for the BBQ Boys. There's no hotter team in the league (both figuratively and in terms of food).
Team Kaz (61.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (45.5)
Okay, what the hell was this garbage? Kaz, Spiders...the fuck are we doing here? Show the hell up. You both combined put up less than five different teams. This matchup was less interesting than Tyson v. Paul, and that's saying something.
It might have helped if...oh, I dunno, you didn't have three players in your lineup that didn't play, hmmm Spiders?? Of course, I haven't been doing these write ups, so maybe I don't have room to talk...
Eh, fuck it.
Uncle Waldo (134.0) defeats Hurts Don'ut (132.5)
I feel like I shouldn't even make jokes about this. I thought my girlfriend dumping me was devastating but man, Don'ut, that's got nothing on this loss. Do you need anything? A hug? Can I make you some soup? I just feel awful...
I hate to say it (that's a lie), but this loss pretty much kicks Don'ut out of the playoff picture. He's a lot like the Bengals right now: mostly dead. Of course, mostly dead means slightly alive. But he's pretty much dead.
Amon-Ra and Roll (120.5) defeats Team Hood (96.0)
If I had to describe this win in terms of a rock song, it would be What a Fool Believes by The Doobie Brothers, because if Amon-Ra thinks this win and his pathetic 1% chance at the playoffs is anything to get excited about, a fool is putting it mildly. In NFL terms, this was Bryce Young and the Panthers beating Derek Carr and the Saints. Good for both of you!
Team Larison (127.5) defeats Butker!? I Hardly Know Her (66.5)
Rare miss by Butker. Maybe you shouldn't have been so preachy to women, you fascist. You're just like the Nazis, telling women they can be mothers and shit. You're worse than Nazis – you're Soviet Nazis. You're a Soviet Nazis who like to drive Hummers and call people "bro" all the time and wear sunglasses indoors. I hate you.
Team Larison, good win. Way to put that fascist in his place. Way to respect women. My body my choice. The future is woman.
Please don't show this to any of your wives or girlfriends, guys.
Chase Bank (122.5) defeats Kim jong un (94.0)
My original team name was a little wordy, so I decided to shorten it. Besides, it's not like DJ Moore is doing all that much to hold up his end of the bargain. Ja'Marr Chase is fucking money like Scrooge McDuck, and like McDuck himself, Ja'Marr is going to be swimming in a lake of gold coins if he wants to after this offseason. He has the Bengals by the tip of the scrotum. They are so screwed. There is no earthy way the Bengals can allow Ja'Marr to walk this offseason. He is going to blow right past Justin Jefferson's deal. He might make that deal look like our Social Security benefits in 30 years.
Alright, enough of the Bengals tangent – in terms of fantasy action, it was nice to see capitalism get a win for once. Nobody's talking about it, but capitalism is the underdog these days. Absolutely nobody's talking about this. The media isn't talking about it. You have to do your research.
I appreciate the hell out of you guys. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for continuing to be a part of this league. Good luck next week.
We've finally reached the Championship Game.
Chili's Baby Back Gibbs in the red corner. Chase Bank in the black corner.
The fight for fantasy fortune has begun!
It was another crop of games that went down to the wire. Chase Bank used a late haymaker from the Packers D/ST on Monday night to seal the win over Uncle Waldo, and on the other side, Chili's and Butker?! I Hardly Know Her traded body blows with all afternoon. A surprise uppercut by Butker from Chubba Hubbard nearly caused Gibbs to stumble, but Gibbs' reliable Justin Jefferson hook, and a one-two from Patrick Mahomes and Davante Adams, eventually made this matchup cash-in-hand for our saucy superstar.
And now, Chili's has a deposit to make...right in Chase Bank's face. Little does he know that, at Chase Bank, we take our customer's safety so seriously, we hired the KGB as security. In other words, this bank is taking the fight to YOU!
Chili's Baby Back Gibbs (136.0) defeats Butker?! I Hardly Know Her (127.5)
Great season from Butker, but alas, there can only be two in the title game. Here's something to consider moving forward: Lamar Jackson. He's really good. He's a really good fantasy QB. Probably draft him.
Also, where the hell did that 30-pointer from Hubbard come from? And, question for the group, are we buying into Bryce Young as a real-deal NFL player? I had kinda given up on him after he was benched for Randy Dalton, but I have been wrong before (often).
As for Gibbs, enjoying the Mahomes-surge, are we? That's all we need - I'm blaming you if the Chiefs win the Super Bowl again. Just put Mahomes on the bench and I'll absolve you...oh wait, shit.
Chase Bank (118.0) defeats Uncle Waldo (102.0)
Joe Burrow and Ja'Marr Chase have been, and remain, the safest combination in fantasy football. Ja'Marr has probably been the fantasy MVP to this point. Without those two, this Bank would be bouncing checks left and right.
Of course, it doesn't hurt to have a little De'von Achane by your side. Thanks for continuing to play football Tua, I hope you don't get another concussion!
Uncle Waldo did his best to scape another win out of the sand, but this time, all he found was a few cigarettes, an old paper towel, and one of Ray's piss jugs. Even for a gritty old bird like Waldo, that is not enough to sustain.
Joe Mixon left you out to dry. So did Tyreek Hill. I shouldn't even mention Aaron Rodgers. Or DeVonta Smith. Any one (more like two) of them could have made the difference. Instead, Waldo was cooked.
And here's a quick breakdown on the consolation bracket:
Team Kaz (137.5) defeats Kim jong un (119.0)
Kaz has officially earned the right to call himself a defender of freedom and democracy.
Starvin Marvin (93.5) defeats Amon-Ra and Roll (89.5)
Marvin shakes off a zero-burger from Alvin Kamara thanks to Jonathan Taylor finally remembering he's the best back in the league.
Team Larison (134.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (112.0)
As Chili's Baby Back Gibbs discovered last year, once you get on the Purdy Train, you don't get off - even to you're own detriment. Team Larison learned this the hard was, but at least it's...well, maybe not paying off in the end, but you get the idea.
Team Hood (94.0) defeats Hurts Don'ut (57.5)
Oof, this Don'ut is well past it's expiration date.
And those are the results from Week 16! Good luck to Chili's Baby Back Gibbs, and an extra good luck to Chase Bank (I'm going to need it). Congratulations on impressive seasons to Butker?! I Hardly Know Her. I won't bother saying good luck to you next week, because I know you don't care.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Hard to believe it's already playoff time. We're already fifteen weeks into the NFL season. The NFL playoffs will be here before we know it. Of course, the Bengals and Browns will (probably) not be attending, but hey, Rob Battista, your Bills have a shot...again...and they're totally not going to lose to the Chiefs this time. Surely not.
Oddly enough, this feels like one of those years where anyone could win the Super Bowl. The Chiefs may be defending champs and own the league's best record, but they've been cutting it close all year. They aren't putting teams away, and one of these days their ball isn't going to bounce their way.
I think I could make a solid case just about any team still in the hunt.
Chiefs - obviously
Lions - Goff has been there and Dan Campbell is jacked Vince Lombardi
Eagles - team has been there and super-duper talented
Vikings - Kevin O'Connell might just be a wizard
Bills - have you seen Josh Allen??
Steelers - Mike Tomlin can coach a ham sandwich
Packers - very talented team and Jordan Love showed what he can be last year
Texans - not as hyped as last year, but Stroud is still good and this is a well-rounded and well-coached team
Ravens - Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry together can just obliterate defenses
Commanders - Daniels is nasty and Dan Quinn has that team on a string, they're a raw, more athletic Detroit
Broncos - they can rush the QB, and they can protect the QB, and they have Sean Payton
Buccaneers - Baker Mayfield could get hot and this team has a lot of Super Bowl LV leftovers on the roster
Rams - McVay and Stafford and Kupp, and now with Puka and Kyren Williams, what else is there to say?
Chargers - Herbert and Harbaugh is a match made in football heaven
Colts - Anthony Richardson is finally starting to play better and if he figures it out, why not?
49ers - yeah, they kinda suck, but they were literally just there last year
As for the Seahawks, Falcons, Dolphins, Cowboys, and Saints...I can't see it. And don't even get me started on the Bengals. They can't win the Super Bowl. Not this year, maybe not ever. They're too dumb. And even if they made the playoffs, they'd give the entire city of Cincinnati a stroke when one of their players tackled a ref or punted the ball backwards. No way, spare me. Spare all of us. Keep the Bengals far away from the playoffs.
But let's get back to the real topic at hand: the fantasy league. Round one is in the books. We had a heartbreaker in one game, and a dictator toppled in the other. Meanwhile, Chase Bank and Butker?! I Hardly Know Her kicked back and enjoyed the spectacle.
Okay, I'll quit wasting time, let's get into the results!
Uncle Waldo (98.5) defeats Team Kaz (96.0)
Congratulations to the silliest goose I know! But honestly, shout out to Team Kaz for having one of the most ridiculous starts to his fantasy football career (in this league, anyway). Last year, he wins the whole thing as a rookie, and then he backs it up by having one of the top teams in the league all season, only to see Kyle Pitts kneecap him in the critical moment. I shouldn't hold this against you, but then again, you decided to trust Kyle Pitts, and that ultimately falls on you, Kaz.
Waldo, meanwhile, has got to figure out who the hell he can trust on his team week-to-week. He honked his way past Kaz, but Chase Bank doesn't allow filthy animals into the lobby.
Chili's Baby Back Gibbs (135.0) defeats Kim jong un (89.0)
Kim jong un was finally toppled. He choked on BBQ Ribs. Long live Kim jong un.
We thought this ride would last forever. I was swept off my feet. We all were. Well, except Baby Back Gibbs. He didn't seem to care.
Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. We'll never forget you, Kim the Magnificent, Kim the Blessed, Kim the Eternal Sunrise.
Gibbs now turns his attention and his sticky fingers in Butker?! I Hardly Know Her's direction. Butker better be watching careful, because apparently, Davante Adams is back to being completely un-guardable. Oh good. Because Gibbs needed more production from his receivers.
And before I go, here's a quick rundown of the consolation bracket:
Starvin' Marvin (104.5) defeats Team Larison (63.0)
Marvin' gets some revenge on Team Larison.
Amon-Ra and Roll (141.5) defeats Hurts Don'ut (114.5)
The fact that Amon-Ra is playing his best ball with nothing to play for feels very Carolina Panthers-ish.
Spiders Under My Bed (133.0) defeats Team Hood (86.5)
The Spiders reign supreme when the stakes are lower. The Spiders really like it when everything is lowered.
And those are the results from Week Fifteen! Two more weeks to go! Good luck everyone.
I can't believe he really did it. Kim jong un is in the playoffs. How did we let this happen?
After Week 8, Kim was 2 - 6. He looked like he was about to crash and burn like so many of his nuclear missile tests. Watch out everyone, Kim finally got one of those rockets off the ground.
I'll admit, I'm a little terrified. Sure, Kim may have scored the third-fewest points in the league (not all that different North Korea's third-world economy), but that doesn't mean he isn't capable (and more than willing) of unleashing hellfire on us freedom-loving fantasy footballers. All I can say is, Baby Back Gibbs, watch your...uh, back.
As North Korea celebrates, the rest of the world trembles in terror. Starvin Marvin is about to go on a hunger-strike in protest (though, he's already starving, so jury's out on how effective that tactic will be). Hurts Don'ut is eating his feelings. Team Larison, Amon-Ra and Roll, and Team Hood holed up in their bunkers. At least the Spiders Under My Bed probably have nothing to fear from Armageddon.
Of course, Kim won't have an easy time getting through Gibbs. That said, who could believe we live in a world where Sam Darnold is considered a better fantasy quarterback than Patrick Mahomes? You would have an easier time convincing me Bill Belichick was going to become a college football coach...wait. Okay, okay, you'd have an easier time convincing me that Belichick's girlfriend was a 24-year-old former cheerleader...okay, what the fuck?
What a crazy world we live in.
Oh, and congratulations to the rest of the playoff field: Chase Bank, Butker?! I Hardly Know Her, Team Kaz, and Uncle Waldo. It's been another very enjoyable fantasy football season, and I can't wait to see the finish. Anyways, let's get to the results from Week 14!
Amon-Ra and Roll (157.5) defeats Hurts Don'ut (104.0)
I laughed out loud when I saw Amon-Ra's score, for a couple reasons. Of course Amon-Ra would score a league-high 157.5 points in a meaningless (for him) game. And of course, it knocked out a playoff hopeful. 104.0 isn't even that bad of a score. I feel your pain, Don'ut, I feel your pain.
Spiders Under My Bed (114.5) defeats Butker?! I Hardly Know Her (101.0)
At least it Butker's case, this loss didn't cost him a playoff spot, but it did cost him the top seed. That's tough, and it sets up an awesome second-round matchup against Gibbs (provided Kim doesn't play spoiler again). As for the Spiders, good on them to stick with it. Like Amon-Ra, you had nothing to play for, but you proved that no team in this league is a pushover. I'm sure your pride means more to you than the right to play for $400.
Kim jong un (93.0) defeats Starvin Marvin (79.0)
That is simply brutal for Marvin. Putting up your second-lowest score of the season in a must-win game against a psychotic dictator is like ripping your pants at prom while attempting the Cha Cha Slide. There's no coming back from that.
Chili's Baby Back Gibbs (131.0) defeats Team Larison (123.5)
The fate of the free world depends on you, Gibbs. Someone has to stand up to tyranny. Marvin couldn't do it. Team Kaz settled for a stalemate. I know, just ply Kim with plenty of BBQ sauce. Have you seen the guy? He's like 325 lbs of pure bulbous fat. Feed him enough ribs and he'll get the itis and fall asleep. It's humanity's best shot.
Team Hood (87.5) defeats Team Kaz (81.0)
It's wild how the three teams at the bottom of the standings all won in Week 14, and they all beat teams either in the playoffs, or fighting for a spot on the periphery. What's the deal, did you all just wake up or something? It's actually quite a painful loss for Team Kaz too. Score seven more points, and Kaz gets a week off. Instead, he's fighting for his life against Uncle Waldo.
Chase Bank (132.0) defeats Uncle Waldo (96.5)
I tell you what guys, when I drafted Joe Burrow and Ja'Marr Chase, even I wasn't expecting this. I've always said I would happily trade a fantasy football win for a Bengals win. Unlucky for you guys, the fantasy football gods just aren't listening to my prayers. Instead, they seem to be insistent that I win $400. I'm sorry guys, I really tried to do my part. I'll just have to wipe my tears with that cash.
And those are the results from Week 14! Good luck to all of you playoff-bound, and better luck next year to all who fell short.
This is actually insane. The more I look at it, the more fascinated I become. How does Kim jong un have a better chance to get in to the playoffs than Hurts Don'ut? Why does ESPN love Starvin Marvin so much? How big is that tie going to be? Is Starvin Marvin vs. Kim jong un this week the most epic matchup we've seen in the history of this league? I'm going to be on the edge of my fucking seat on Sunday.
There's plenty of other fascinating matchups in Week 14 too. Uncle Waldo and Chase Bank square off in a matchup of 9 - 4 teams that could decide who earns one of the critical bye weeks. Current two-seed Chili's Baby Back Gibbs will try to fend of a desperate Team Larison. Can Team Kaz scramble to fill about a half-dozen bye-week holes to stave off a massive upset to Team Hood?
It's crazy how close this is. Four teams, one spot. And it all comes down to one weekend. This is exactly what makes football fun.
But, we do need to see how we got here. So, without further ado, here are the results for Week 13:
Hurts Don'ut (106.5) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (90.0)
One week after returning from the dead and stunning Starvin Marvin, the Spiders were finally put to rest by Don'ut. It was a valiant effort - it's the kind of effort I hope to see from the Bengals someday.
For Don'ut, this was crucial. Another loss would be curtains. Don'ut is already in do-or-die mode. Admittedly, I'm having trouble imagining a badass, take-no-shit donut, so I'm going to ask Elon's AI Grok for help. This is what paying for a checkmark on X gets you:
Okay, that's actually one badass donut. I wouldn't want to come across that pastry in a dark kitchen.
This is what it came up for the Spiders:
Hold up, that might be the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.
Starvin Marvin (118.0) defeats Amon-Ra and Roll (96.0)
Mavin avoids starvation for another week. He's a fucking trooper, that Marvin. Here's what Grok thinks Marv might look like:
What does this mean? Is that supposed to be a helmet? Or is he (or she) standing in front of a bubble? What am I even looking at?
This is supposed to be Amon-Ra and Roll:
Again, I ask, what the hell? Is one guy supposed to be Amon-Ra and the other's name is just Roll? Why do I now like the name Roll so much?
Butker?! I Hardly Know Her (105.5) defeats Chili's Baby Back Gibbs (71.5)
I started laughing out loud before I even started typing in "Butker?! I Hardly Know Her" into Grok's ask-anything bar, and I have to say, the results continue to astound me. This is what the image it generated for our top-seed Butker:
I don't get it, but I love it. Meanwhile, for Chili's Baby Back Gibbs, you get everything you want and more:
That is fucking perfect. Really tough loss for Gibbs this week, but hopefully this beautiful image is a worthy consolation prize.
Team Kaz (116.5) ties with Kim jong un (116.5)
What an incredible result, but what's even more incredible is the image Grok generated for Team Kaz. Ladies and gentlemen, behold:
This is so much fun. What are we doing here?
And for Kim it's arguably even better:
I can't breathe. This is way too fun.
Uncle Waldo (86.5) defeats Team Larison (70.0)
The Larison bowl was a bit of a dud this year, but do you know what isn't a dud? This:
Meet Uncle Waldo. This is the guy who's been kicking ass and taking names all year. What does he have over his glasses? What's he got in those drinks? What does he keep an open book by his sink and what looks to be about sixteen months of paperwork in his kitchen? Is he drunk? Is that what gives him his power?
Team Larison, aparently, is happy to just rip-off Team Kaz:
Team Kaz definitely has more "early-twenties" vibes, while Team Larison appears to be early-thirties. Is that because Team Larison is slowing down and no longer in his prime? Who can say?
Chase Bank (118.5) defeats Team Hood (86.5)
At this point, I know that all of you, like me, could care less about this result and just want to see what Grok cooked up, so I won't waste any more of your time:
Yup, that's Chase Bank. He's blue, and he's here to serve you. Don't worry about those fins on the back of his head - he's getting those removed.
And just wait til you get a load of Team Hood:
There's no "I" in "T-E-A-M," but there's a "M-E." This dude lives by that. Look at that intensity. Look at that confidence. Too bad Team Hood brought none of that this year...
And those are the results (and Grok images) from Week 13. Good luck boys!
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. For me, it's the family aspect. It's gathering around the dinner table. It's the ample helpings of food. It's the multiple courses. It's the conversations. The football. It's getting together with loved ones and just...eating.
The best part of Thanksgiving is the profound simplicity of it all. It's a celebration of each other - no religious trappings or government-sponsored patriotism involved. I love it.
Of course, I couldn't help but mention football because, well, football. I love that too. I don't mind having to watch the crappy Cowboys every year. For me, most of the fun is rooting against them anyway.
And speaking of football, we have some Fantasy results to get into – and this was a very important week in terms of playoff seeding. Remember: only six teams will advance to the postseason, and the top two seeds will get a first-round bye. As it stands, those byes would belong to Butker?! I Hardly Know Her and Team Kaz, but there's still plenty of time for a shake-up in the standings.
Time is starting to run out, and for those still hanging on the playoff-fringes, losing this week was particularly rough. The fat lady hasn't started singing, but she's definitely warming up her vocal cords.
So, let's get into the results from Week 12, but not before wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy the weekend, eat some good food, and relax – we've earned it.
Spiders Under My Bed (95.5) defeats Starvin Marvin (90.0)
Oh no, remember when I said losses this week were particularly rough? This was one of the ones I was talking about. Marvin may have finally starved to death, and at the hands of one of the most unlikeliest opponents.
It does make sense that the Spiders would be ready to roll this week. I have it on good authority that the Spiders just celebrated a birthday recently. What a pleasant gift to yourself!
Chili's Baby Back Gibbs (120.0) defeats Hurts Don'ut (71.5)
This was another one of those particularly painful losses, but at least this came at the hands of league's top squads. That's probably not much consolation to Don'ut, but hey, gotta take what you can get. I think the Cedric Tilman play was incredibly admirable, and I completely support anything to do with Jameis Winston, but next time Don'ut, just go with Jaylen Waddle.
Team Kaz (135.5) defeats Amon-Ra and Roll (104.5)
So much for Amon-Ra's 1% playoff chance last week. Team Kaz was not going to humor that statistical oddity for one more second. It has to feel good seeing Jaden Daniels get back on track – for Team Kaz, not Amon-Ra. Obviously. With three teams tied at 9 - 3 and vying for those coveted first-round byes, having Daniels back at the peak of his powers could make the all the difference down the stretch for Team Kaz.
Butker?! I Hardly Know Her (100.0) defeats Uncle Waldo (94.5)
Very tough loss for Waldo, but no shame in losing to the league's top squad. Still, when you're facing a Butker?! team that's averaging a meaty 112 points per week, you have to take advantage of less-than-fantastic scoring efforts from the league's top scorer. Missed opportunity there for ole Waldo.
Kim jong un (94.5) defeats Team Hood (60.0)
The world's craftiest dictator refuses to go quietly. 18.5 points from Jonnu Smith? Don't mind if you do... Even a negative score from the Chargers D/ST couldn't slow down Kim. Of course, a lot of that had to do with Team Hood's...meager effort, shall I say.
Chase Bank (133.0) defeats Team Larison (109.5)
Fun fact: Chase Bank left a grand-total of 0.5 points on the bench this week. Is that a record? I mean, anything less would be the record, so...we're calling it the record. For now. Unless anyone can prove me otherwise.
I do want to mention something: has anyone else looked at the season stats? Did anyone else know that ESPN keeps track of fantasy home and away games? For instance, Team Kaz is currently 6 - 0 on the road this season. I feel like we should read into that.
It's also fascinating looking at the top of the standings and the number of moves the teams at the top made on the year. Among the five teams currently with the best records, all have made between 10 and 18 moves. Not too few, not too many. And this makes sense. These teams have strong foundations, but the moves on the periphery have kept them in form week after week.
On the other end of the spectrum, teams like Hurts Don'ut and Amon-Ra and Roll have each made more than 25 moves on the year, mixing and matching players from the ever-barren waiver-wire just to cobble together a competitive roster. So much of fantasy football comes down to pure dumb luck, but the right move can often swing a season.
And those are the results from Week 12! Enjoy the holidays everyone, and good luck next week! I'm preparing some short ribs for Thanksgiving, anyone else cooking tomorrow?