Holy shit guys, it's almost December. I know it's cliché, but it's incredible how fast time flies. I remember being in first grade and the idea of being an eighth-grader was like imagining I'd be an astronaut. Now, I'm 32 and I'm more aware than ever of how irresistible the marching of time is. I mean, it's been over two months since the first game of the NFL season was played on September 5th. Hell, it's been almost four months since the first preseason game. What the actual fuck?
Life is coming so fast these days, and I know I'm hardly the only one feeling it. A lot of you guys are married, some of you have (multiple) kids. Insane.
With that said, I want to apologize for slacking on the weekly write-ups. It's been a wild few months, but hey, you all know that – you're all going through crazy shit all the time too.
There's no excuse. I have to (need to) do better. Life only gets in the way if you let it.
Still, here's a rundown of the insanity that's been my life over the last 11 months:
(I wouldn't blame you because I'd probably do it myself, but if you want to skip this part just scroll past all the numbered paragraphs)
Some asshole literally drove his car through the window of my ground-level apartment as I was sitting on my couch watching TV. It was like a bomb went off in my living room. The entire wall looked like it was expanding. My air conditioner flew to the opposite site of the apartment. Drywall and dust were everywhere.
I probably don't admit this to myself enough, but I got pretty lucky. I was completely unscathed, and so was my cat and most of my stuff. It was scary as hell though. It's the first and only time I actually considered grabbing my gun for self-defense (not that a long, hunting rifle is much good in a small apartment, whatever). Even as I'm writing this now, I can feel the adrenaline coursing through me. That moment will define the term "fight or flight" for me for the rest of my life.
I met a girl that I fell madly in love with. It was crazy. It was the kind of instant attraction that people think is even too corny for movies. We made out in the Mad Tree parking lot (that's a brewery in Cincinnati for you non-Natians) for two hours after our first date. Okay, now that I'm writing that it's a little embarrassing. Actually, fuck that – it was fucking amazing. It was like my perfect idea of a relationship: she turned me on like crazy, we were happy doing anything together, it seemed like we were always on the same page, her family was great, and the fact that she was 420-friendly wasn't too bad either.
She was the girl of my dreams. I wanted her to be my wife. And then she dumped me. Out of the blue. Said she'd been feeling this way for months. Never brought it up one time until the day we broke up. I was absolutely, fundamentally devastated. To a certain degree, I still am – it only happened a month ago. She told me she needed to work on herself (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean). She still wanted to be friends and "hang out and be normal" (again, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean).
Obviously, that didn't work for me (otherwise, I probably wouldn't be writing this, would I?). How are you supposed to just stop being madly in love with someone? If any of you are capable of doing this, you have my somewhat reluctant admiration (because I think you may be a psychopath) (just kidding).
I got a new job. Technically, right before the love of my life dumped me. So walking into work less than 48 hours after having your soul crushed was quite the experience. But here's the amazing thing – I actually love this job. I'm working as an Optometric Technician and it's probably the first time I've had a job that I felt was actually meaningful. It's not easy, and having absolutely no background in biology or anatomy doesn't help, but it's so worthwhile.
So, kudos to those of you who work in healthcare – I know Seth and Sully are two, and if I'm forgetting anyone, my apologies. Modern medicine is fucking amazing (also, sorry for the excessive cursing, I don't know what's getting into me).
I almost forgot to mention, I also moved into a friend's basement following the car-crashing-into-my-apartment incident. I promise, it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm paying rent to help him with the mortgage, and I pretty much have the whole basement to myself (I'll have to send you guys a pic of the new office set-up, I can't lie, it's pretty dope). I feel confident that I'm safe from errant cars (as I knock on wood).
But here's the part you guys really need to know: my landlord wouldn't release me from my lease. That rat-bastard played dirty. Honestly, I should have taken him to small claims court, but what was I gonna do? I don't have a ton of money to throw around for lawyer's fee – and how much did I stand to gain anyway? I couldn't risk taking this guy to court and then losing the case. Where would I be then? But in hindsight, that guy was a piece of shit and he needed to be taken to task for his negligence. Anyway, the new place is awesome. That's been a positive development.
I'm getting back into shape. I got a membership to the Y, I've been getting up at 5:20 am, and I've been lifting heavy shit and playing basketball. I've also started rock climbing, which is way tougher than it looks and scarier than you think (especially if you're not a big fan of heights, like me). I've found the best way to get to the top is to pretend like there's a monster chasing you. That way, there's no reason to quit and two reasons not to look down. It works for me. It may not work the same for you. Or maybe it will, I don't know.
I needed to do something. I need a shakeup in my life. I've been in a big rut. I've been letting things slide (like these weekly write-ups). But the crazy thing is, now that I'm tired and my time is more stretched than ever, I'm feeling really motivated to get back to writing these weekly. I've said it before, but this league means a lot to me. Actions, though, speak louder than words (though in this case, my action is going to be writing words, so maybe that wasn't the most appropriate phrase).
Alright, enough preamble. And enough talking about myself. Let's get into The League.
Once again, the NFL season has been bonkers, and that's meant unreliable and unpredictable results from the fantasy league as well. We currently have a four-way tie at the top of the standings. Last year, Team Kaz went wire-to-fucking-wire. Parity is back!
This has already been quite a long post, so I'll spare you a season-long recap. Instead, just like old times, let's dive into the results from Week 11!
Chili's Baby Back Gibbs (73.0) defeats Starvin Marvin (71.0)
Tough loss for Marvin. He really needed this one too. He was starving for a win. And of all teams, he was beat by Baby Back Gibbs. That's just mean-spirited.
Still, there's no shame is getting spanked by Gibbs. That's six saucy wins in a row for the BBQ Boys. There's no hotter team in the league (both figuratively and in terms of food).
Team Kaz (61.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (45.5)
Okay, what the hell was this garbage? Kaz, Spiders...the fuck are we doing here? Show the hell up. You both combined put up less than five different teams. This matchup was less interesting than Tyson v. Paul, and that's saying something.
It might have helped if...oh, I dunno, you didn't have three players in your lineup that didn't play, hmmm Spiders?? Of course, I haven't been doing these write ups, so maybe I don't have room to talk...
Eh, fuck it.
Uncle Waldo (134.0) defeats Hurts Don'ut (132.5)
I feel like I shouldn't even make jokes about this. I thought my girlfriend dumping me was devastating but man, Don'ut, that's got nothing on this loss. Do you need anything? A hug? Can I make you some soup? I just feel awful...
I hate to say it (that's a lie), but this loss pretty much kicks Don'ut out of the playoff picture. He's a lot like the Bengals right now: mostly dead. Of course, mostly dead means slightly alive. But he's pretty much dead.
Amon-Ra and Roll (120.5) defeats Team Hood (96.0)
If I had to describe this win in terms of a rock song, it would be What a Fool Believes by The Doobie Brothers, because if Amon-Ra thinks this win and his pathetic 1% chance at the playoffs is anything to get excited about, a fool is putting it mildly. In NFL terms, this was Bryce Young and the Panthers beating Derek Carr and the Saints. Good for both of you!
Team Larison (127.5) defeats Butker!? I Hardly Know Her (66.5)
Rare miss by Butker. Maybe you shouldn't have been so preachy to women, you fascist. You're just like the Nazis, telling women they can be mothers and shit. You're worse than Nazis – you're Soviet Nazis. You're a Soviet Nazis who like to drive Hummers and call people "bro" all the time and wear sunglasses indoors. I hate you.
Team Larison, good win. Way to put that fascist in his place. Way to respect women. My body my choice. The future is woman.
Please don't show this to any of your wives or girlfriends, guys.
Chase Bank (122.5) defeats Kim jong un (94.0)
My original team name was a little wordy, so I decided to shorten it. Besides, it's not like DJ Moore is doing all that much to hold up his end of the bargain. Ja'Marr Chase is fucking money like Scrooge McDuck, and like McDuck himself, Ja'Marr is going to be swimming in a lake of gold coins if he wants to after this offseason. He has the Bengals by the tip of the scrotum. They are so screwed. There is no earthy way the Bengals can allow Ja'Marr to walk this offseason. He is going to blow right past Justin Jefferson's deal. He might make that deal look like our Social Security benefits in 30 years.
Alright, enough of the Bengals tangent – in terms of fantasy action, it was nice to see capitalism get a win for once. Nobody's talking about it, but capitalism is the underdog these days. Absolutely nobody's talking about this. The media isn't talking about it. You have to do your research.
I appreciate the hell out of you guys. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for continuing to be a part of this league. Good luck next week.